What Is Relational Intelligence and How It Could Change Your Life
We spend so much of our time connecting with others - at work, at home, and out in the world. Yet how often do we pause and really reflect on what it takes to truly connect? Not just exchanging words, but relating in a way that feels authentic, strong, and connected. That’s where relational intelligence comes in.
At 43Pearls, we define relational intelligence as the capacity to understand yourself, and to apply that self-awareness within relationships. It’s not a personality trait you either have or don’t have. It’s a living capacity that can be developed, refined, and strengthened over time.
Relational intelligence grows through deepening self-awareness, strengthening communication, and creating clear agreements that support connection rather than erode it. When we understand our internal world, our triggers, needs, values, and patterns, we’re far better equipped to engage with others in ways that are honest, grounded, and respectful.
This capacity allows us to navigate relationships with greater knowing and intention. Instead of reacting automatically or avoiding difficult conversations, we’re able to stay present, take responsibility for ourselves, and co-create relationships that feel strong and connected at work, at home, and within ourselves.
Begin With Yourself
Your relationship with yourself sets the tone and energy for every other connection in your life. Self-awareness is the foundation of relational intelligence.
Think about a moment when someone pushed your buttons. Did you react automatically? Did resentment build quietly beneath the surface? Or did you notice your internal response, your sensations, stories, and choices, before responding?
That moment of noticing yourself before navigating the other person is where relational intelligence begins.
Some questions to explore:
What patterns show up in my relationships? Are they supporting strong and connected relationships, or keeping me stuck?
When do I feel unseen, unheard, or dismissed and what might that be pointing to in me?
How do I tend to respond when I experience discomfort, tension, or difference?
This isn’t about self-criticism. It’s about self-respect, clarity, and freedom: respecting your own worth, recognizing when something feels out of alignment, and remembering that you always have choice in how you respond.
Communication: More Than Words
Relational intelligence strengthens through clear communication, curiosity, and care. Clear communication isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about creating trust, depth, and a felt sense of connection.
Consider your last tense conversation. Were you speaking from reaction, or from awareness? Were you trying to protect yourself, or were you anchored in curiosity and clarity? What might have shifted if you had paused, checked in with yourself, and responded from your values?
Some ways to practice:
Define your values
Ask yourself: What matters most to me in relationships? Respect? Honesty? Compassion? Empathy? Growth? Freedom? Naming your values anchors your communication in something deeper than the moment.
Pause and tune in
Before responding, take a breath. Notice what’s happening inside you emotionally and physically, and clarify what you actually want to express.
Reflect and confirm
Try saying, “I hear that you’re frustrated about X. Here’s what I’m noticing in myself…” This supports clear agreements and keeps conversations grounded rather than reactive.
Lead with curiosity
Ask questions to understand, not to persuade. “Can you help me understand what you need right now?” often softens tension and reopens connection.
When you allow vulnerability and openness, you invite others to meet you there. Real connection—the imperfect, human kind—emerges through authenticity, not performance.
*** Bonus! Here’s A Quick Values Exercise that will really help you understand what you truly care about.
Get out a journal or a blank piece of paper and try this:
List what matters most to you in relationships. Some examples: honesty, respect, playfulness, loyalty, compassion, passion, growth, freedom...
Circle your top three. These are your guiding values.
Reflect: How often do you let these values show up in your conversations? Where do you find yourself compromising them?
Practice: The next time you’re in a challenging conversation, pause and silently ask yourself, “Which of my values do I want to bring into this moment?”
A Ripple That Starts With You
One of our clients, “Sam,” noticed a familiar pattern: she would withdraw whenever difficult topics surfaced with her partner. Over time, she realized that avoiding tension didn’t protect the relationship, it quietly created distance.
By practicing small acts of honesty, noticing her triggers, and choosing curiosity instead of defensiveness, Sam discovered something powerful. Conversations could be uncomfortable and safe. The relationship didn’t fall apart, it became stronger and more connected.
Relational intelligence works this way for all of us. Change doesn’t happen in a single conversation, it actually accumulates. Each pause, each moment of self-awareness, and each clear agreement builds toward lasting transformation.
Practical Exercises to Start Today
Journal prompts:
When did I react automatically in a conversation this week? How could I pause next time?
Where do I feel afraid to speak my truth, and why?
How do I want others to experience me in my relationships?
Small steps:
Practice noticing triggers: Pick one small scenario a day to observe your reactions before responding.
Lead with curiosity: Ask one open-ended question in a conversation before sharing your perspective.
Check in afterward: Reflect on what went well, what felt uncomfortable, and what you can learn for next time.
Take the First Step
Relational intelligence is a capacity, a practice, and a way of being. Every reflection, every conversation, and every intentional choice strengthens your ability to create relationships that are clear, strong, and connected.
If you’re ready to explore your patterns, communicate with clarity, and create relationships that genuinely support you, we’re here.
Book a consultation with 43Pearls today and start exploring relational intelligence with us.
Meet Kegan & Juliette
We’re the founders and owners of 43Pearls Coaching & Consulting and we help people navigate life’s challenges, on their own terms.
With years of coaching experience between us, we know that real transformation happens when people feel seen, supported, and challenged to show up fully.
We help individuals, couples, families, coaches, businesses, and teams build and strengthen relationships, learn and improve communication, and explore relational intelligence. Through coaching and consulting, we guide you to uncover patterns, establish clear agreements, navigate challenges, and create deeper, more fulfilling connections, with yourself and the people in your life who matter most.